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Have you had the talk with your children yet? Not the drug talk, not the “you better get your grades up” talk, I’m referring to the sex talk. Yes, that talk. Well, if you haven’t yet you aren’t alone. A recent study organized by the University of California Los Angeles/Rand Center for Adolescent Health Promotion and overseen by Dr. Mark Schuster, Chief of general pediatrics at Children’s Hospital Boston, found that more than 40% of adolescents had intercourse before talking to their parents about safe sex, birth control or sexually transmitted diseases. Experts find this troubling because “teens who do talk to their parents about sex are more likely to delay their first sexual encounter and to practice safe sex when they do become sexually active. And, ironically, despite their apparent dread, kids really want to learn about sex from their parents, according to study after study on the topic.” Even though it can be an awkward topic to bring up, the study shows that the sex talk has to occur earlier for teens to practice safer sex methods. You can read the rest of the article here for more information. In the upcoming year we will have a number of informative articles on sexuality and parenting that we hope you can turn to for advice. Keep on the lookout for those.
Do you remember the sex talk you had with your parents? I vaguely remember one, but I do know that I remembered the advice they gave me (I remember talking about it with my Mom.) Have you discussed this matter with your children yet? Do you have any advice for other parents? Let us know, leave a comment, we would love to hear from you.
We received samples of Smucker’s Pumpkin Pie Spice and Apple Cinnamon ice cream toppings in our office last month. They were so good that I had to get some for home. I told the kids about our office taste test which got 10 thumbs up in a 5 person office. We immediately broke out the ice cream and loaded it up. My daughter, Dominique, loved the Apple Cinnamon topping. It has little chunks of apples with just the right amount of cinnamon and it gave our vanilla ice cream a great little kick. The Pumpkin Pie Spice was the overall winner in my house though. We have gone through 2 jars in just a few days. We had the whole family involved including my daughter’s boyfriend. Maybe Smucker’s could make a jumbo jar next year. The spices are subtle, but very tasty. It has a nice creamy texture and is really good when you warm it up. So, out of my family of 5, there was a 10 thumbs up! Go out and get some now, you won’t be sorry.
Is it really almost time for Thanksgiving already? Weren’t we just hunting for Halloween Costumes? Although this time of year always flies by and can be quite hectic, it is also a great time to sit back and reflect on the past year. My family has the tradition (as I’m sure many of you do) of reciting what we are thankful for at the Thanksgiving table. I usually always say I am thankful for my family, because without them I don’t know how I could make it through the hard times. We would love to hear from you and what makes you thankful. Leave us a comment and maybe we will print it in the magazine. Happy Thanksgiving.
-Bridget
Last Friday Terrie (the publisher of Hudson Valley Parent and Life magazines) and I (Bridget, the editorial assistant) traveled up to the charming city of Saratoga Springs, NY for the annual NYS PTA Convention. We had a booth at the convention and were showing off our published book The Undercover Kids: The Trunk in the Attic and our puppet Katie to parents, teachers and educators. Although that aspect of the convention was a lot of fun, I thought the best part was seeing what the other vendors were offering.
After talking a few walks around the convention site and stopping by a few booths, I managed to scrounge up a few interviews with some interesting vendors. One man worked for a business called the reflectory, which offers wide range of Reflectors for Photoelectric Controls, Industrial and Traffic Safety, Promotional Giveaways and Consumer Use for Visibility In The Dark! In Addition, they provide reflectors to the Safe Kids Worldwide and Safe Routes to Schools. His name was Ray and he gave us some great safety advice, that we will be posting on our Hudson Valley Parent site soon, so keep on the lookout for that. I was especially surprised that Ray was based out of Newburgh like us, what a small world! We also talked to a woman from AGATE. AGATE is a non-profit organization of concerned parents, educators and advocates designed to promote the education and welfare of gifted and talented learners in New York State. Then there was Amie Hamlin, Executive Director of the NY Coalition for Healthy School Food, who gave us some great advice on how parents and educators can encourage healthy eating in children. Lastly we were fortunate to interview Youth for Human Rights Long Island Director, Sharon Schare, who was nice enough to take a few minutes to speak with us about the programs they offer. All of our videos will be on our main website, but are currently posted on our YouTube page if you want to check them out. It was great to meet so many people dedicated to changing children’s lives for the better. Other than helping parents parent, we feel that our magazine also helps shape children’s lives for a better and brighter future. How about you? Other than being the amazing parent’s we know you are, how do you try to enrich your children’s life everyday? Let us know, we would love to hear from you.
Youngsters who cannot check out books due to overdue fines are invited to take part in the Read Away Your Fines Program offered by the Newburgh Free Library during December and January. It’s an easy and simple program that helps children make a fresh start so they can once again check out books or use the Internet.
Head of Youth Services & Children’s Librarian, Lisa Kochik, says that this sort of program has been offered at numerous libraries including the Queens Public Library in the past and Newburgh has always wanted to try it. According to Kochik, the library’s goal is to “offer kids an opportunity to regain their borrowing privileges, without dependency on parents providing money to them, and then encourage the kids to keep their cards “clean” afterward so that they can enjoy using the library again and feel proud and accomplished that they created that opportunity for themselves!”
For the program, children fill out a “read away your fines” contract and spend time at an Open Reading Session which allows them to read silently in the library for up to 45 minutes at a time. For every 15 minutes that they read, children will earn one Library Buck which equals $1 in fines. This program is for Newburgh Free Library Card Holders Only.
Library Bucks can be earned to pay down fines or to pay for one (1) lost item if it was owned by the Newburgh Free Library. Additional lost items or lost items that were lent from other Libraries will need to be paid for with actual money.
Open Reading Sessions are scheduled during Winter Break on Dec. 21, 22 & 23 from 10am-12pm and every Tues., Wed. & Fri. from 3:30pm-4:45pm during January. Children may bring in required reading for school, a book from home, a magazine or select something to read from the Library. Materials must be reading-level appropriate.
For more information, contact the Youth Services Department at the Newburgh Free Library, 845-563-3616 or call the main number, 845-563-3600.
If you love books you would have loved the 2009 National Book Festival held in Washington, DC on September 26th. There were more authors and their books in one spot than you could possibly visit in a day. It is true that we have many book fairs in the mid-Hudson region, like the Millbrook Book Festival in late spring, but there is an excitement in the Mall in DC that can’t be beat.
Although I am the publisher of Hudson Valley Parent and Hudson Valley Life magazine, I really went as someone who loves reading books. And I also had the privilege of having a media badge which allowed me to meet and greet nationally recognized authors from John Grisham to Judy Blume and 75 authors in between.
Kids…kids…and more kids. They were the best!!!
But the most exciting experience was meeting the kids and their parents. I know that many say that reading and books is a lost art. But you had to be the Book Festival to see the 1000s of parents and their kids anxiously waiting to speak to a specific author whom they love. With books clutched in their hands, kids were excited at the thought that they would personally meet the author who wrote their favorite book. Here are some pictures of the event, but check out more photos on our Hudson Valley Life Blog! We also have videos on our Facebook page!
Group of Authors get ready to speak!
Some children with their favorite PBS Characters!
We are delighted to invite bloggers to join our site and blog topics that are of personal interest.
We are asked how often you should blog. As often as you like is the answer, but the more often you blog the more times people will return to read your information.
It is important to note that a blog is not an article. An article is a one-way conversation – you share information. A blog, when successful, is a two-way communication – you state an idea and other add to your ideas. In a blog, when done well, the whole is better than the original blog because additional information has been added.
Here are some blogging tips
- Make each blog 150 to 200 words, no more.
- Include your main points up front;
- Use sub-head in sections of your blog to make the piece easy to read.
- Use short paragraphs
- Create a blog using lists like: 3 Best Ways to…, How to find…., Best Resources include…
- Develop a catchy headline (If you need help with this let us know)
- At the end of your blog elicit response from your readers. Ask a question, like “What resources would you suggest?” or “How did you find…” You want to encourage people to respond to your information.
- Last, when people respond to your blog you should respond to the blogger. That will encourage them to come back.
If you would like to blog on our site, send an email to customerservice@excitingread.com. Include the name of your organization (if you want to do it as an individual, just give us your name.), the address, phone number, the topic you would like to blog about, and the email you will be blogging from. If appropriate, we will invite you to blog through WordPress, which is the blogging site we are using. When you get your invitation, you will be asked to sign up for your own blog or for a blog name only. Sign up for a blog name and then let us know when you have completed the setup. We will then include you on our site as a contributor. Our blog administrator is notified of all blogs and posts them.
Do you have blogging tips that you think should be added to this list?
How can I get my eight-year-old to clean his room? What’s the best way to keep my three-year-old from putting her hand in the VCR? My six-year-old teases his brother; what is the best way to handle it?
These are among the hundreds of questions I’m asked regarding the use of discipline with children. There are scores of books on discipline and even more methods of how to discipline your youngsters that are “guaranteed” to work! Effective discipline requires thinking, planning and patience and, above all, flexibility. In other words, what worked when he was 8 will not work now that he is 13.
Most parents usually think of punishment when they think of discipline, but the two are not synonymous. Punishment is only one form of discipline (which I will talk about in next month’s column).
Discipline is a process – a process used by parents to alter a child’s behavior or attitude. Discipline is both a means of educating a child and a means of guidance. Helping a child to behave in an acceptable manner is a necessary part of raising a child and is truly one of the “arts” or parenting.
Children engage in appropriate behavior based on either internal or external controls. They may comply with parental demands because they know that they will be rewarded or punished for their actions – this is external control. Or they may internalize the demands placed on them by parents – this is obedience based on incorporating the values and standards set for them by parents as their own, or internal control. In other words, with internalized control children respond appropriately because they want to rather than comply because they have to.
How parents use discipline
Whether our children internalize our wishes or comply out of fear of punishment depends on the ways in which we as parents use discipline. Most developmental psychology research lists the following three categories of discipline as the most common:
1. Power/Control – This includes using some type of physical force, threat of physical force or taking away possessions or privileges from a child. Children who live under the constant threat of physical violence or are the recipients of frequent harsh punishment are at risk for a number of behavioral and psychological problems, including conduct problems, delinquency, socialization problems and depression.
Solely using rewards to control children’s behavior also falls under this category. While certainly more benign than the use of physical force, rewards alone are not without their potential side-effects. (See article on Risk of Rewards at excitingread.com). For instance, children may only comply when they get the reward and not demonstrate the desired behavior in any other setting. They may look at the reward as “bribery” for correct behavior (“If you do this I’ll give you something”). They become controlled from without, not from their own internal motivation.
2. Love Withdrawal – A parent ignores, withholds or demonstrates a lack of love or concern for the child. Children usually behave when faced with the threat of losing their parent’s affection; however, the anxiety and fear of abandonment, rejection or isolation that this method produces within the child can have significant consequences.
3. Inductive Reasoning – Parents use explanation, reasoning and verbal communication in order to develop appropriate behavior in their children. They may explain the “whys” of rules – “this rule is imposed to keep you safe.” Or they may explain the moral implications or personal ramifications of the desired behavior – “It’s nice and it makes mommy happy when you help.” Parents may also use this technique to develop empathy in their child – “How do you think your brother feels when you call him names?”
Research tells us that this technique seems to result in the most sociable child with the most internalized values and behavior. However, it may result in what I call the “Monty Hall Syndrome”: with too much reasoning and discussion “no” does not have a superlative value and every desire for correct behavior from parents may produce “Let’s Make a Deal” from their children.
What’s your parenting style?
Child psychologist Diana Baumrind conducted a long-term research study on parenting styles and its effect on child’s behavior. Baumrind identified four primary parenting styles. They are as follows:
a) Permissive Parenting: These parents make few demands on their child. They are often tolerant and accepting of most of their children’s behavior, setting minimal or no boundaries or rules of conduct. This style seems to produce a child who is impulsive, immature, prone to tantrums, demanding and has poor social skills.
b) Authoritarian Parenting: This style of parenting has a high degree of control, rigid limit setting and boundaries, and a demand for compliance. Parents set rigid rules and standards of conduct for children to obey. They do not encourage “give and take”; rather, they value obedience “because I say so.” They use punitive discipline measures – even physical abuse when rules are broken. Children from this style seem to be less independent, less capable of self-control and more anxious and aggressive.
c) Uninvolved Parents: This style is similar to the permissive parent where the parent makes few demands on the child; however, these parents are characterized as being unresponsive, neglecting or rejecting. These parents spend less time with and energy on their children than any other style. They have little interaction with their children, and act as parents more out for their own comfort and conscience than anything else. Children that emerge from this model are often non-compliant, withdrawn and have difficulty developing adaptive social relationships.
d) Authoritative Parenting: These parents encourage verbal input from their children regarding family rules and the boundaries set by parents. They are warm and supportive of the individual needs of their children, but also value the conformity to the families rules and attempt to bring it about by exerting consistent and firm but not excessive control. Children of authoritative parents have been shown to be more sociable, independent, confident and have better social skills than the other three styles.
Authoritative parenting appears to produce the best outcomes for children because these parents attempt to maintain a balance between boundaries and control and warmth and respect – and they encourage their children to do the same. They also engage in what researchers believe characterizes the optimal parent/child relationship: reciprocity, or the ability for parents and children to engage in respectful exchanges or ideas and feelings.
What discipline strategy and parenting style is used will determine whether a child internalizes family values and a code of conduct, or complies out of fear or out of desire for rewards. To make disciplinary tactics most effective, they should be consistent, without threatening in any way the child’s well being, and occur as soon as possible after the occurrence of misbehavior.
Adaptive discipline doesn’t create excessive anxiety but rather helps children learn about the consequences of their actions and helps them become socially adaptive in all situations. Keep in mind that all children in a family are different and may respond very differently to the same tactic than their siblings.
Paul Schwartz, Ph.D., is Professor of Psychology and Education at Mount Saint Mary College in Newburgh. His child behavior column appears each month in Hudson Valley Parent magazine.
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