How do you deal with unruly teachers?

Tell me if this sounds familiar to you. It’s about 3pm and your child comes home crying about how they had been punished in school by a teacher. After you listen to the situation to see what happened, do you find that you often side with your child or do you feel that the teacher was justified in disciplining your child? And how do you handle the issue? Do you call the school or do you let it blow over? Of course, I’m sure there are a variety of situations where you level of action varies, but I discovered a recent article that raised these questions.

To make a long story short, the young student in the article felt as though she was being targeted unfairly by a PE coach and the Mother of the daughter wanted to know how she should step in. She called the principal and when she thought the problem was resolved, the PE teacher embarrassed her child again. This is what the expert had to say on the subject: “This teacher is clearly abusing his authority. It’s time to see the principal again. This time I would suggest you write out a formal complaint and discuss harassment charges with the principal, letting them know you will not tolerate one more incident. Students do not deserve to be abused by those in authority and your number one concern needs to be your daughter – their student. And yes, sometimes you have to go in twice.

If the principal suggests a meeting with the coach, your daughter and yourself, explain that you feel it has gotten past that point and your daughter has been put through enough trauma at the hands of this teacher. Then discuss how she will be able to be on the team, if she missed her chance because of this abuse.”

What do you think? Good advice? What would you do?

Do as I say not as I do…

How many times have you heard your parents say that? How many times have you said that to your children? What does it really mean anyway? On Saturday my two boys Travis 14 & Nyim 9 were playing around and the phone rang, Nyim answered and it was a friend of Travis’, Instead of getting on the phone and telling the child he was busy or was not in the mood to talk, he told my 9-year-old to tell the boy on the phone that he was not home. I overheard it and got annoyed that Travis asked his brother to lie for him (as trivial as it sounds). Travis understood and said he would not do it again. Okay Mommy…Job well done. Well not so fast! My 9-year-old then turns to me and says…”Mommy you make Travis lie for you all the time” GASP!! I do know such thing….”uh huh sometimes when Auntie Jackie calls you tell Travis to say you are sleeping , when Grandma calls you say tell her you are at the store when you are really still sleeping…When people knock on the door sometimes you say “you are the baby sitter” OKAY “enough already”. Quick I need a way out!! Does the do as I say not as I do (get out of a situation free card) come into play here? I told both of my boys that lying is no good ANY lie is no good. I also told them that I will no longer ask them to lie for me and lying in any regard in no good. shouldn’t what I say be the same as what I do? Shouldn’t I practice what I preach? Or should it be do I as I say not as I do…because I brought you into this world and I can take you out? Being a Mommy is hard work!!

What’s Your Discipline Style?

How can I get my eight-year-old to clean his room? What’s the best way to keep my three-year-old from putting her hand in the VCR? My six-year-old teases his brother; what is the best way to handle it?

These are among the hundreds of questions I’m asked regarding the use of discipline with children. There are scores of books on discipline and even more methods of how to discipline your youngsters that are “guaranteed” to work! Effective discipline requires thinking, planning and patience and, above all, flexibility. In other words, what worked when he was 8 will not work now that he is 13.

Most parents usually think of punishment when they think of discipline, but the two are not synonymous. Punishment is only one form of discipline (which I will talk about in next month’s column).

Discipline is a process – a process used by parents to alter a child’s behavior or attitude. Discipline is both a means of educating a child and a means of guidance. Helping a child to behave in an acceptable manner is a necessary part of raising a child and is truly one of the “arts” or parenting.

Children engage in appropriate behavior based on either internal or external controls. They may comply with parental demands because they know that they will be rewarded or punished for their actions – this is external control. Or they may internalize the demands placed on them by parents – this is obedience based on incorporating the values and standards set for them by parents as their own, or internal control. In other words, with internalized control children respond appropriately because they want to rather than comply because they have to.

How parents use discipline

Whether our children internalize our wishes or comply out of fear of punishment depends on the ways in which we as parents use discipline. Most developmental psychology research lists the following three categories of discipline as the most common:

1. Power/Control – This includes using some type of physical force, threat of physical force or taking away possessions or privileges from a child. Children who live under the constant threat of physical violence or are the recipients of frequent harsh punishment are at risk for a number of behavioral and psychological problems, including conduct problems, delinquency, socialization problems and depression.

Solely using rewards to control children’s behavior also falls under this category. While certainly more benign than the use of physical force, rewards alone are not without their potential side-effects. (See article on Risk of Rewards at excitingread.com). For instance, children may only comply when they get the reward and not demonstrate the desired behavior in any other setting. They may look at the reward as “bribery” for correct behavior (“If you do this I’ll give you something”). They become controlled from without, not from their own internal motivation.

2. Love Withdrawal – A parent ignores, withholds or demonstrates a lack of love or concern for the child. Children usually behave when faced with the threat of losing their parent’s affection; however, the anxiety and fear of abandonment, rejection or isolation that this method produces within the child can have significant consequences.

3. Inductive Reasoning – Parents use explanation, reasoning and verbal communication in order to develop appropriate behavior in their children. They may explain the “whys” of rules – “this rule is imposed to keep you safe.” Or they may explain the moral implications or personal ramifications of the desired behavior – “It’s nice and it makes mommy happy when you help.” Parents may also use this technique to develop empathy in their child – “How do you think your brother feels when you call him names?”

Research tells us that this technique seems to result in the most sociable child with the most internalized values and behavior. However, it may result in what I call the “Monty Hall Syndrome”: with too much reasoning and discussion “no” does not have a superlative value and every desire for correct behavior from parents may produce “Let’s Make a Deal” from their children.

What’s your parenting style?

Child psychologist Diana Baumrind conducted a long-term research study on parenting styles and its effect on child’s behavior. Baumrind identified four primary parenting styles. They are as follows:

a) Permissive Parenting: These parents make few demands on their child. They are often tolerant and accepting of most of their children’s behavior, setting minimal or no boundaries or rules of conduct. This style seems to produce a child who is impulsive, immature, prone to tantrums, demanding and has poor social skills.

b) Authoritarian Parenting: This style of parenting has a high degree of control, rigid limit setting and boundaries, and a demand for compliance. Parents set rigid rules and standards of conduct for children to obey. They do not encourage “give and take”; rather, they value obedience “because I say so.” They use punitive discipline measures – even physical abuse when rules are broken. Children from this style seem to be less independent, less capable of self-control and more anxious and aggressive.

c) Uninvolved Parents: This style is similar to the permissive parent where the parent makes few demands on the child; however, these parents are characterized as being unresponsive, neglecting or rejecting. These parents spend less time with and energy on their children than any other style. They have little interaction with their children, and act as parents more out for their own comfort and conscience than anything else. Children that emerge from this model are often non-compliant, withdrawn and have difficulty developing adaptive social relationships.

d) Authoritative Parenting: These parents encourage verbal input from their children regarding family rules and the boundaries set by parents. They are warm and supportive of the individual needs of their children, but also value the conformity to the families rules and attempt to bring it about by exerting consistent and firm but not excessive control. Children of authoritative parents have been shown to be more sociable, independent, confident and have better social skills than the other three styles.

Authoritative parenting appears to produce the best outcomes for children because these parents attempt to maintain a balance between boundaries and control and warmth and respect – and they encourage their children to do the same. They also engage in what researchers believe characterizes the optimal parent/child relationship: reciprocity, or the ability for parents and children to engage in respectful exchanges or ideas and feelings.

What discipline strategy and parenting style is used will determine whether a child internalizes family values and a code of conduct, or complies out of fear or out of desire for rewards. To make disciplinary tactics most effective, they should be consistent, without threatening in any way the child’s well being, and occur as soon as possible after the occurrence of misbehavior.

Adaptive discipline doesn’t create excessive anxiety but rather helps children learn about the consequences of their actions and helps them become socially adaptive in all situations. Keep in mind that all children in a family are different and may respond very differently to the same tactic than their siblings.

Paul Schwartz, Ph.D., is Professor of Psychology and Education at Mount Saint Mary College in Newburgh. His child behavior column appears each month in Hudson Valley Parent magazine.

Child Behavior

Paul Schwartz, Ph.D., is a Professor of Psychology and Education at Mount Saint Mary College in Newburgh. His child behavior column appears each month in  Hudson Valley Parent magazine.

Why does your adolescent, who just a few years ago never cared what he looked like when he left the house, now never pass up a mirror without making a major style adjustment? What happened to the little girl who talked to you about everything, but who now feels nobody – especially you – could possibly understand what she is going through? When did the discovery of a Monday morning pimple become justification to stay home from school?

These are all common scenarios that occur as a byproduct of your adolescent’s newfound advanced thinking ability and the new form of self-centeredness or egocentrism that accompanies it.

Most parents are acutely aware of how self-absorbed their young children can be. As a child grows into adolescence, however, this egocentrism becomes very different from it was in childhood. Unlike the egocentrism of preschoolers, which is based on concrete problems, adolescent egocentrism concerns more abstract thoughts and problems.

One aspect of the newly developed thinking ability of adolescence is called metacognition, the capacity to think about thinking. The development of metacognition allows the adolescent to not only think about his or her own thoughts, but also to think about the thoughts of others. When this ability first develops the adolescent has difficulty differentiating between his own thoughts and the thoughts of others.

This newly developed way of thinking includes the capacity to engage in introspection and the resulting, increased self-consciousness. This enhanced way of thinking plays an important role in self-examination, a major developmental task of this period and an important skill that helps the adolescent to develop a clear, consistent identity. This advanced introspection leads the adolescent toward long periods of self-absorption, which in the long run serves him well with the tasks of identity development and decision-making, but often results in initial egocentric problems.

What makes up the adolescent’s mind

According to noted psychologist David Elkind, adolescent egocentrism has two distinct components: the imaginary audience and the personal fable.

The imaginary audience is a result of the adolescent’s limited capacity to differentiate between their thinking about themselves and their thinking about the thoughts of others. Simply stated – the adolescent is so consumed with her own thoughts she believes every one else must be as consumed with them as well. This phenomenon makes the adolescent excruciatingly self-conscious.

One morning when my son Jesse was about 14, we had both overslept and I had to drive him to school. In our rush to get ready he yelled to me “Where are my Cavariccis?” (The current fad in adolescent pants). We finally found them wet in the washing machine. When I asked him to find some other pants, he looked at me as if I was from another planet, telling me unequivocally that to go to school in other than his “Cavariccis” would be tantamount to social ostracism. Do you know how long it takes for a pair of pants to dry when you are waiting? Adolescents are like imaginary stage performers exaggerating the extent to which they believe others think about them, feeling each day they are going out to meet a captive audience. It is an “audience” as the adolescent feels they are the center of attention. It is “imaginary” as others are not as preoccupied with the adolescents as they believe.

The excessive need for privacy during adolescence is one way the youngster gets out of the limelight and the self-scrutiny, criticism and even shame that this imaginary audience sometimes produces. Remember your early adolescence – how long did you prepare for your audience, and what couldn’t you leave the house without? As David Elkind states, “Gatherings of adolescents are unique in the sense that each young person is simultaneously an actor and an audience to others.”

The other egocentric concept is the personal fable, which compliments the imaginary audience. If this imaginary audience is so consumed with how this young person looks and acts then there must be something very unique and special about them. If there wasn’t, then why would everyone be so interested in them? The adolescent’s belief in his own immortal, personal uniqueness and “specialness” is the personal fable.

This “personal fable” can be a source of anguish for the adolescent as she believes that no one could possibly ever have felt like she does similarly nor can anyone possibly understand her. The personal fable can also be a source of an over-exaggerated belief in ones own ability or future possibilities. An adolescent can be a professional ball player or rock musician or succeed anywhere – because their lives embody some special story that is immortal, unique and heroic. The personal fable has also been useful in explaining the risk-taking behavior of adolescents such as unprotected sexual behavior, drug taking, driving too fast or while drunk despite a recognition of the potential consequences.

The personal fable embraces the belief that this can’t possibly happen to me – I’m too special. It’s easy to see how “The imaginary audience” and the “personal fable” can explain much of the uniquely “crazy” behavior we see in adolescents. At this stage of development adolescents still have limited empathy – the ability to put themselves in another persons shoes and compare another persons thoughts to their own. A large part of adolescence consists of developing the skills of empathy and adequate social perception.

The personal fable is reduced as adolescents develop intimate relationships, in these relationships they learn that what they are experiencing and feeling is not unique to them but is also experienced and felt by others.

The egocentrism of adolescence usually begins to decrease by around age 16, when the older adolescent gradually begins to separate their own perceptions from the perceptions of others. Not all adolescents succeed in dismantling the more negative aspects of adolescent egocentrism. I’m sure you all are familiar with adults who never left the adolescent phase of egocentrism behind and still act as if they are performing for an audience, and that the events in “their life” is more special and important than anyone else’s.

Not all adolescent’s experience these egocentric concepts to the same degree as others, but for those who do, how can you help your teen get through this normal developmental process?

The best way for you to help your child through this period is to remember your own adolescence and be as patient and empathetic as possible. Remember how difficult it was for you to make decisions. With the new found freedom and ability to make decisions comes the frightening possibility that the choices and decisions the adolescent is making is not the “right” one. Keep in mind prior to this time of life you made most if not all decisions for your child.

Although this new found thinking ability and the alternatives that now become possible can be very empowering and growth enhancing for your adolescent it can also create a lot of confusion. This could be the time when you share the feelings you had when faced with similar situations or embarrassing moments in your own adolescence. Don’t communicate a dismissal attitude to your adolescent – relating how easy it is for them now and how much more difficult it was for you. Avoid, “when I was your age . . . .” Be empathic, although the issue they are presenting may border on the ridiculous – it is very real for your adolescent now as it was for you then. We can now look back on our adolescence and the inane behavior and exaggerated emotions we experienced as just that ridiculous, but retrospection takes the passage of time.

Have patience it will come – for some it takes longer. I remember relating how I could never understand why my father and I had difficulty working together and didn’t get along well during my adolescence, when my son become 14 – I understood. Attempting to push your reality based perspective on your adolescent will only confirm for her that you “just don’t understand” and break the often fragile bonds of communication that exist between parents and young people. Just listen – keep in mind that what she is experiencing, as illogical and silly as it seems, is very real for her. Her feeling of being different and her need to be like everyone else and be accepted are the issues she is struggling with at this point in her life. As she experiences the ups and downs of adolescence, she will begin to realize that what she is thinking, feeling and experiencing is shared by others and not only by her.

We can’t prevent our adolescents from experiencing the painful self-consciousness that comes with being a teenager or even the mistakes we would like to see them avoid, however the quality of the relationship between parents and adolescence and the support given by parents through this often difficult period can lead to greater reality based thinking and less egocentric behavior.

Paul Schwartz, Ph.D., is Professor of Psychology and Education at Mount Saint Mary College in Newburgh. His child behavior column appears each month in Capital District & Hudson Valley Parent magazine. He can be reached at editor@excitingread.com.

As a child grows into adolescence, however, this egocentrism becomes very different from what it was in childhood.

One aspect of the newly developed thinking ability of adolescence is called metacognition, the capacity to think about thinking. The development of metacognition allows the adolescent to not only think about his or her own thoughts, but also to think about the thoughts of others. When this ability first develops the adolescent has difficulty differentiating between his own thoughts and the thoughts of others.

This newly developed way of thinking includes the capacity to engage in introspection and the resulting, increased self-consciousness. This enhanced way of thinking plays an important role in self-examination, a major developmental task of this period and an important skill that helps the adolescent to develop a clear, consistent identity. This advanced introspection leads the adolescent toward long periods of self-absorption, which in the long run serves him well with the tasks of identity development and decision-making, but often results in initial egocentric problems.

Adolescents are like stage performers exaggerating the extent to which they believe others think about them, feeling each day they are going out to meet a captive audience.

Not all adolescents succeed in dismantling the more negative aspects of adolescent egocentrism. I’m sure you all are familiar with adults who never left the adolescent phase of egocentrism behind and still act as if they are performing for an audience, and that the events in “their life” is more special and important than anyone else’s.

By: Dr. Paul Schwartz

“No” can be the hardest word to say

by Leah Black

“No.” It’s one of the smallest words in the English language, yet it can be the hardest word to say, especially when it’s directed at your child. I think most of us would agree that when your child is in immediate danger or doing something you’ve repeatedly told the child not to do, it’s pretty easy to flatly deny the child with a stern “No.”

 

However, I’ve discovered a gray area where I’m torn, if just for a split second, between doing the right thing as a parent and letting my child explore new-found abilities. Let me explain.

 

We’ve allowed our 16-month-old to play with the pot lids in one of our kitchen drawers. Just a few weeks ago, Liam realized that if he takes all the lids out of the drawer he can climb in, stand up, and grab whatever is within reach on the counter (thankfully, there was nothing dangerous up there). He managed to accomplish this feat of agility within seconds while my back was turned.

 

If I hadn’t gotten him out of the drawer immediately, he could have been seriously hurt. But, what struck me most, as I was racing toward him, was the look on Liam’s face. It was priceless. He was absolutely beaming with pride because he had thought of a new way to reach what he usually could not.

 

I almost wanted to celebrate his ingenuity rather than quash his sense of accomplishment, even if it was for his own good. In the interest of his safety, I had to be sure he knew that climbing into the kitchen drawers wasn’t acceptable, but it hurt me just a bit to watch that unforgettable look of pride turn to tears. It wasn’t entirely easy to say “No.”

 

Like most toddlers, Liam knows how to manipulate. He’s learned how to turn on the crocodile tears to try to motivate us to let him do what he wants. His father and I have a strong defense against his wails of faux misery, but I admit there are times when the crying and whining can go on for so long that I come close to giving in.

 

When I reach that point, I remind myself that I have to stand firm because this is a critical time in his young life to lay the foundation of discipline. Together, Terrence and I have to teach Liam that “No” means “No”, not “No … well … maybe … okay.”

 

Issues of safety aside, saying no isn’t easy. Sometimes we think our children won’t love us if we tell them no, or we fear they’ll rebel. Sometimes we’re just too tired to fight about it. The reality is that we’re doing them a big favor in life by laying down rules.

 

I recently read an article online that said that the greatest gift parents can give their children is “No.” By telling our children “no” when they want something they don’t need or if they want to do something we don’t feel comfortable with, we give them boundaries. By giving them boundaries, we show our children that we care.

 

We also gain our children’s respect by being consistent. When you say no, stick to it. You child needs to understand that your word means something.