Don't worry people. It's a baby under here, not a bomb.

Don’t worry people. It’s a baby under here, not a bomb.

As happens to me a lot I was going to write about something else this week until I saw a friend’s post on Facebook about how she was about to nurse her last baby for the last time. It got me thinking about this time in our lives as nursing moms.

Like all phases of childhood there is the good, the bad and the downright hilarious. I applaud all women who attempt to breastfeed because Lord knows it’s not easy. In some ways it’s like an extension of pregnancy because your baby is dependent on your body for food. So in tribute to all nursing moms, here are the top 20 weirdly hilarious thoughts only nursing moms will understand:

1. Well I better make an attempt to shower today because I am someone’s bottle after all.

2. To the well-meaning friend/stranger in the waiting room/person without kids, don’t attempt to touch my nursing cover/blanket or baby. No, the baby is NOT sleeping and if you cause my baby to turn and subsequently pull my nipple off I may be forced to kill you. Just kidding, now step away from the baby.

3. I cannot keep my brain from conjuring up images of the first time I saw the automatic milking machine attached to a cow’s udders EVERY time I hear that monotonous droning of the breast pump. This is exactly what you feel like while pumping.

4. Oh man, how am I going to explain this wet spot on my shirt?

5. I certainly wanted bigger breasts as a teenager, but not these monstrous, hard as rocks, hot, painful things that I got right after my milk came in.

6. A whole new set of attire has to be created for my now “working” boobs, like bras with trap doors and secret paneled shirts. Dressing for your body type takes on a whole new meaning when your body is producing food.

7. When formula feeding parents ask you how many ounces your baby eats you look at them dumbfounded and picture the side of your boob like the water level indicator of a coffee maker. I have absolutely no idea how to translate minutes nursing into ounces.

8. Yes, this cover means I’m nursing. It doesn’t mean you have to sit at least four seats away. It’s a baby, not a bomb.

9. Milk machine gun anyone? Taking a shower before you’ve fed the baby will do that. (Number 9 is courtesy of my friend Stephani)

10. I want to freaking kill the person who thought it was just a brilliant idea to put the nursing station basically inside a restroom. I want to ask that person if they eat where they poop, because seriously neither me or my baby appreciate inhaling bathroom smells while nursing.

11. Hmmm I could probably nurse with this sweater/coat/sweatshirt on and nobody would see anything.

12. AND I’m officially a human pacifier.

13. How in the heck do formula feeding moms navigate the thousands of bottle and nipple options (none of which look like the real deal by the way)? I have one boob shape and one flow setting and the baby will just have to figure it out.

14. Who needs to look in the baby’s mouth when you can feel that lovely first tooth when it comes in?

15. I have no idea what you’re crying about baby, but I’m pretty sure my boob can fix it.

16. You can tell when your baby is eating even if they’re not with you. Thanks for dropping in milk, don’t need you this time though.

17. Could you ever have imagined buying nipple cream prior to having kids? And pads for your boobs?

18. Yay I finally get to go to the store alone, uh oh what if the baby is getting hungry. I’ll just skip this aisle.. and that one. What the hell did I come here for again?

19. When your husband looks at you and says, “Well I would feed the baby if I could” and just for a second you think about punching him in the face, not because he’s wrong, but because the time spent attached to the pump just to get enough milk for a feeding is so not worth the effort just so he will feed the baby for a change. And of course that pisses you off.

20. How the heck do formula feeding moms get out of bed in the middle of the night, somehow manage not to trip down the stairs or over baby toys, find the kitchen and prepare a bottle when you roll over and pop the baby on your boob and go back to sleep? Then you remember that nobody bats an eye when they whip out a bottle in public and you decide it’s a fair enough trade.

So nurse like a boss mamas! It’s not always easy or fun, but when it comes to nursing your baby you sure do get the job done.

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