This morning I reached my last straw. I LOST it on my kids. I yelled at them and told them to go wait for the school bus 10 minutes early because I just had enough of listening to them fight. I cried and told them it’s not supposed to be like this. And it’s not just the listening to it, it’s the breaking up physical altercations. My son is one to take revenge for even minor offenses like his older sister drawing on top of his drawing. I couldn’t let them go off to school like that though, wondering if I would be mad when they got home or worse questioning my love for them so I called them back and tried desperately to explain why I’m so upset with all their fighting.
My Kids Are The Reason
I read another blogger jokingly describe her blog as giving her children a reason to hate her one post at a time. While I always hope to provide support for other moms, I write about my kids to leave them breadcrumbs to follow one day after I’m gone. My days of further understanding why my parents did anything are over. The trail is cold and the breadcrumbs were devoured by birds long ago. I hope this blog will give my children a better understanding of who I am as a person and as their mom. I don’t want to leave any questions unanswered or my intentions unclear. So here it is. Hannah and Jayden here is my advice to you.
A Letter On Sibling Love
I hate it when you fight, not just because it forces me to listen to a never-ending list of crimes perpetrated by the other, or even because it forces me into impossible refereeing situations where I’m forced to pick sides. I hate it when you fight because it’s you standing there telling me that you HATE the gift I gave you; that you wish I had never given it and could forever take it back.
My Gift To You
I know you don’t see each other as a gift now. There is a day coming where I hope you will. It’s the day I pass from this world and you have only each other and Sydney of course. There’s no fighting with her yet since she’s just a baby, but I’m sure it will come. I WISH with every fiber of my being that I could be there for you FOREVER and ALWAYS and while I’ll always be in your hearts and a part of you through and through, one day you’ll say your last goodbye to me. It is my heart’s desire that amidst your grief, you turn to each other. Know that you are my gifts to each other; someone who understands the love and loss you feel. You will understand each other in ways no one else in the world will because you share the same parents who love you. You share childhood memories and it is my hope that you will share a friendship that will last for the rest of your lives.
My Answered Prayers
Each of you were created because your father and I wanted you so very much. I planned, dreamed, and prayed for each of you. You bring different and beautiful things to my life and I’m so glad God gave me three precious children. I do my best to honor that gift. So while I’m thanking God, your fighting is the worst type of rejection of my gift and His. And it’s not just the gift of sacrifices and physical pain I endured during pregnancy or labor, it’s the sacrifices I make every day that you never know about. It’s like I told you on the front porch this morning, things don’t matter; people do. Once I’m gone, I know I can’t force you to be friends or even be in each other’s lives at all, but on this day I can.
Remember The Good
From this day forward you will each write one thing (just one) that you love or are grateful for about each other. If I have to force you to remember, I will. Jayden, you forget when you’re angry that Hannah lets you snuggle in her bed when you’re scared at night. Hannah, you forget how much Jayden looks up to you because you were so young when he was born, but you have been his companion since birth. I think a big part of why he learned to crawl and walk so early was to keep up with you.
I’m recommissioning our family’s Love Bank, but instead of just notes from mommy telling you why I love you, you will be writing notes to each other. You will recognize and remember all the positive ways you contribute to each others lives. You will see the gift you are to each other. I know it won’t completely stop the fighting. Families disagree, but not on how much they need and love each other. So quit your fighting because if I have another epic meltdown like this morning, I will feel like a giant failure as your mom. I love you. I love so many things about you. But I’m so over refereeing fights.
You will learn to remember even if it’s my voice in your head urging you years from now, reminding you that you are my gift to each other because you are each a little piece of mommy and daddy and our love for you.