A Mother’s Hands Are Never Empty

I heard it again the other day, “Oh, you have your hands full!” I was pushing two kids in my shopping cart, while my oldest daughter walked beside us as we navigated the aisles of Walmart. None of my kids were acting up. Nobody was yelling, pushing or annoying each other. There was nothing to warrant the comment from this stranger except the number of children with me.

I’m not sure when it was that three children was officially declared the tipping point that pushes you from mom to mental case. How could I possibly handle three with only two hands? I’ve seen better mothers than me handle far more than three kids. I have a good friend who has six. I bet she hears the phrase far more frequently than I do.

I suppressed an eye roll and kept on shopping, because with three kids the goal is always to get in, get what you need and get the heck outta there as quickly as possible. It bugs me sometimes. The implication that I must be burdened by having more than the “ideal” two kids.

Here is what I want to tell everyone who’s ever made the comment to a Mom that has three or more kids that she has her hands full.

Yes, my hands are full. About a hundred times a day my hands are picking up small toys off the floor. At least twice a day I’m picking up someone’s discarded clothing and throwing it in the hamper or folding little tee-shirts or balling up socks.

My hands are holding little hands tight as we cross roads. My hands are brushing hair and weaving braids. They’re probing for imaginary boo boos on arms and legs, scouring for ticks in the summer, and giving reassuring pats on backs as my arms encircle my little ones. They’re feeling foreheads for signs of fever, pulling up covers, administering medicine and providing comfort in a million little ways.

These hands are often wet with sudsy dish water or being washed because I’ve touched all manner of disgusting bodily fluids. They are changing diapers, zipping coats, pulling on snow pants, and searching coat sleeves for wayward shirt sleeves.

These hands of mine are cooking endless meals, baking cookies, making hot cocoa, and filling sippy cups and water glasses. They are searching for lost toys and games, replacing batteries in toys I wish made no noise and decorating Christmas trees.

They’re pulling sleds up the hill for children too tired to do it themselves. They’re shuffling decks of cards to games I don’t always feel like playing or building Lego towers, assembling puzzles and turning the pages of countless books. They are in the air as I dance crazily around the living room with three little squealing kids who are getting down right along with me.

My hands are also typing, always typing because I’m a writer and there’s nothing I love to write about more than my kids. It’s because I want them to know that even though mommy doesn’t always have it all together, they are the best of me.

Yes, my hands are busy. They are always full. There is almost no point during each day where they are empty.

And you know what? I’m so incredibly grateful for full hands. Children aren’t a burden. They are a blessing; one not everyone gets.

I read an article the other day about a writer who regretted having children and urged other people to reconsider having kids. My first thought was, “I hope her kids don’t read her article one day.” Not everyone wants to have kids and that’s fine. But they deserve to be treasured once they’re here.

The argument was that you would have far more money, could advance your career, travel and have more “me-time” if you didn’t have kids. While all of that is true, children give so much joy to your life.

If it weren’t for my three, I would never have learned how to love someone more than myself. Sure, you can love a spouse, but there are still strings attached. If they hurt you badly enough, you walk away. Not with kids; that love surpasses all limitations.

Hannah is a result of my stubborn will to become a mother after my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. I desperately wanted my son Jayden after falling in love with motherhood and my daughter Sydney was the happy ending to a year-long heartache for the child I knew would complete our family.

When you tell me, “Your hands are full!” I want to tell you, “If you think my hands are full, you should see my heart!”

And I would tell you except I don’t have time to stop. As you can see, I have three little ones to hold tight. My hands are never empty.

Erin Johnson a.k.a. The No Drama Mama is the author of “So, You’re Broke? 18 Drama-Free Steps To A Richer Life.” She can be found writing for The No Drama Mama and Hudson Valley Parent when she’s not busy caring for her three adorable kiddos. Her work can also be found on The Huffington Post, Money Saving Mom, Mamapedia and Worshipful Living.

As Long As I’m Living My Baby You’ll Be

The first time I read “Love You Forever” by Robert Munsch to my children I burst into tears. For those of you that don’t know the story, it starts with a new mother who rocks her baby to sleep singing, “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.” She continues to sneak into her son’s room every night, even after he’s an adult living in his own house. For some it seems a little creepy, but for me it knocked the wind out of me.

The Story Behind The Story

That was even before I heard the sad story behind that famous line which repeats throughout the book. Maybe before I knew, my heart just connected to the profound gratitude and love you feel as a mother. When I found out that the author wrote the line, which started in his head as lyrics to a sad kind of lullaby to his two stillborn children, it hit my heart even harder.

When my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, I knew I’d never stumble carefree into Motherhood. I knew it was going to be more like forcing myself to jump a gorge. I wanted desperately to be on the other side, in parenthood, but I knew it was going to require blind faith to overcome my fear.

Forever Babies

I was reminded of the story when I ran into an elderly man at my doctor’s office the other day. He asked me how old my baby was. I answered, “She’s two.” Then he smiled and said, “My babies are grown and retired now.” Then he told me a little about their lives. He was in his 90s and he still referred to his children as his babies. Then I flashed on that famous line and it stirred that familiar pull in my heart.

I was also reminded of my father-in-law who passed away right after my oldest daughter turned one. To his very last day, he carried my husband’s tiny hospital bracelet in his wallet. I also flashed to my grandmother crying at my father’s wake. As much pain as I felt at that moment, I knew her pain was greater. I lost a father, but she lost a son.

It wasn’t till years later, that I would understand that losing a child is probably the worst pain you can go through. “I Love You Forever,” was born from that same pain.

The Anniversary of 9-11

I’m not sure what stirred all of this in me lately, but all of these feelings came to a head on the fifteenth anniversary of September 11th. Every person lost in the attacks was someone’s baby.

I’ll always remember 9-11 as the day we, as a nation, lost our innocence. We could no longer take our safety and our lives for guaranteed. We all lost a piece of ourselves that day.

I was talking to friends the other day and it’s amazing how we all remember exactly where we were when we heard the terrible news. To all those who lost loved ones on that terrible day we grieve with you. Each and every one of the nearly 3,000 men and women whose lives were cut short were someone’s babies.

For all the moms and dads who lost their children in the attacks on September 11, 2001, we’ll remember them with you and we’ll hold our own children a little bit tighter. As long as we’re living, our babies they’ll be.

Erin Johnson a.k.a. The No Drama Mama is the author of “So, You’re Broke? 18 Drama-Free Steps To A Richer Life.” She can be found writing for The No Drama Mama and Hudson Valley Parent when she’s not busy caring for her three adorable kiddos. Her work can also be found on The Huffington Post, Money Saving Mom, Mamapedia and Worshipful Living.

 

 

 

5 Survival Tips When You’re Living For Bedtime

Have you ever been multi-tasking so much you completely forget what you’re doing? That was my day yesterday. When you work from home, you’re constantly juggling work and family responsibilities. It’s enough to make your head spin. You start just wishing for bedtime so you can just get a little more work done while the kids are sleeping.

With so many balls being juggled in the air at once, something is bound to drop. I felt like a frazzled mama. Even though I didn’t get everything done between work and the kids, here are 5 simple things I do to keep from missing the little moments with them when I’m struggling just to get through the day:

I was so busy that Sydney was able to successfully get way more Hershey’s kisses than normal.

 1.Single Song Dance Party – My absolute favorite part of working from home is getting to be silly and crazy with my kids when I need a break from my work. I put on my favorite happy music and dance with my toddler around the living room. It helps relieve the stress because seriously who can resist the giggles of a twirling happy toddler?

It puts work in perspective, even if it’s only for one song. So I encourage you when you’re just living to get to bedtime, take three minutes and just have fun with your kids.

2. More Kisses Please – My toddler used my stress to her advantage by repeatedly begging for Hershey’s kisses. With that sweet face and a lot of work on my plate I can honestly say she ate more than she should have, but it’s ok. Sometimes you have to use whatever you can to get just a few minutes of time to finish a chore or something on the computer. Just make sure you follow up with a barrage of real smooches on those sweet little faces and your stress will melt away (even if it’s only temporary).

3. Take a Real Break for Meals – I pride myself on eating lunch and dinner with the kids, even if my husband is working late. But in the middle of my crazy work haze yesterday, I’ll admit that I wasn’t fully present with the laptop open next to me. I know in the future I need to put it away during meal times. Not only do you feel better when you’re not mindlessly shoving food in your mouth, but you feel more connected to your family.

4. Forgive Yourself – I felt my frustration building every time my toddler threw her food on the floor or started pulling on me for my attention. Then, of course, I felt guilty for not paying as much attention to her as I should have. Normally I try really hard to only work during her nap times, but I had a lot of things I wanted to get done.

One day she’ll go off to school and I’ll miss all these little moments with her. Then again, she’s not quite two, so I think I can forgive myself for one day of not giving her my full attention.

If you find yourself just going through the motions with your kids, while praying for bedtime, it happens sometimes. The key is just to make sure it doesn’t become a habit. Parenting is a marathon and we can’t sprint through their childhoods. Trust me, work will always be there waiting for you.

This is the memory I want to keep from my very busy day- Sydney’s sweet smile.

5. Take a Picture – Take a second to snap a few pictures of your kids. Years from now, you probably won’t remember what you were working so hard on, but you’ll be able to look at their sweet little faces and remind yourself of why you work so hard. Photos have an almost magical power to remind you of all the things that really matter in your life, while blurring out the things that don’t.

Life is always going to get busy. There will always be days that you’re just praying for bedtime, whether it’s so you can get some work done while the kids are asleep or so you can break out your secret snacks and catch up your favorite show on Netflix. The key is to find a few moments to just be fully present with your kids, even if it’s just at the dinner table or snuggling during your bedtime routine.

How do you cope with days you’re crazy busy?

Erin Johnson a.k.a. The No Drama Mama can be found writing on her blog The No Drama Mama and Hudson Valley Parent when she’s not wiping poop or snot off her three adorable kiddos. This “tell it like it is” mama has NO time for drama, so forget your perfect parenting techniques and follow her on Facebook or Twitter for her delightfully imperfect parenting wins and fails. Her work can also be found on The Huffington Post, Money Saving Mom, Mamapedia and Worshipful Living.

10 ways to celebrate the earth and nature.

Happy Earth Day! Not sure why Earth Day is so important? Let me give you a little history real quick. Back in 1970, we were in the height of the hippy movement and there were protests all over the country though not because of environmental issues. In fact most people drove gas guzzling sedans, and for most air pollution was a sign of prosperity. Environmental issues was the furthest from everyone’s minds, but what was at the forefront was the war in Vietnam and most students were opposing it. Gaylord Nelson, the U.S. Senetor from Wisconsin at the time thought if he re-channel so much of the energy students were putting into the anti- war movement he could capitalize on the emerging public concern for water and air pollution. Building a large staff, he set out to promote events across the country for what would later be known as the first National Earth Day.

On April 22, 1970, 20 million Americans took to the streets, parks, and more as part of a massive rally across the country. Colleges and universities, environmental groups, rich, poor, doesn’t matter all came together for a common cause. And even more rare was the political alignment that occurred that day!

Since then, Senator Nelson has spearheaded 2 more major rallies for environmental awareness. Today, the Earth Day fight continues and so does the awareness campaigns across the country. Americans will gather this week to ensure we are channeling our energies for a more clean, healthy and diverse earth for each new generation. Here in the Hudson Valley we are no exception, communities, parks and more will open their spaces for family- fun days, educational workshops and park clean- ups this week. What can you do to help?

1. Earth Day Clean ups- A great way to celebrate Earth Day with the whole family and help save our planet, parks and more is to participate in one of the many clean- ups throughout the Hudson Valley this week and weekend. We have two on our calendar for Wednesday. Mount Beacon Park, Beacon, and at the Town of Esopus Library, Port Ewen. April 22.

2. Paper making workshop- Learn how to turn scraps of used construction paper into beautiful new paper as you learn all about the importance of recycling at the Mid- Hudson Children’s Museum’s special earth day program. If the rain holds out, take a stroll over the Hudson River on the walkway or stay and play at Waterfront Park. $2 a child. Mid- Hudson Children’s Museum, Poughkeepsie. April 22.

3. Eagles, streams and trees at Bowdoin park- There are quite a few Hudson Valley parks perfect to play outside this earth day. In fact, in addition to Earth Day on Wednesday, Thursday is National Picnic Day and Friday is National Arbor Day! We can use many of our parks to talk to our kids about our earth, the importance of our trees and enjoy a family picnic this week/ weekend! I want to highlight Bowdoin Park though because it is pretty exciting to see the bald eagles currently calling the park home. Look up just past the playground and you should be able to see a nest high in the trees and often the great bald eagles circling around. It’s a pretty cool sight! Then head to the fields just past the playground and let the kids splash in the little stream, I promise you, HOURS of fun. Just up the hill past the stream is the coolest old tree I have ever seen. My kids recently discovered the back is hollowed out too making for some great imaginative play outside.

[The best Hudson Valley spots for family picnics]

4. Celebrate the animals at the Trailside zoo- All day family- fun with an earth day focus on nature and animal enrichment at the zoo. Spring and nature related displays and activities for the whole family including treat making for the bears, and free tree seedlings for each family. Parking fee and suggested donation at the Bear Mountain Trailside Zoo, Bear Mountain. April 25.

5. The Cary Institute of Ecosystem Studies- This environmental research center has a team of scientists that study topics of our earth including freshwater health, infectious disease, biochemistry, invasive species and climate change. The trails are open for exploring on over 2,000 acres of preserve land. On-going programs as well. Millbrook.

6. Earth Day activities- Kids will receive a free Planet Protector Passport at the Outdoor Discover Center and can then receive stamps at each booth in the “Green Zone” and “Going Local” activity areas. There will be live music, games and storytelling; food will be available for purchase. FREE admission and suggested parking donation. Hudson Highlands Nature Museum, Cornwall. April 25.

7. Earth Day Celebration– The Village of Monroe celebration will feature a science show for children, as well as a bouncy house, Girl Scouts and Interact club activities and seed plantings with local farms. Vendors will have eco-friendly items for sale. FREE. Lake Street, Monroe. April 25.

8. Hudson River Earth Day Celebration- This family Earth Day celebration centers around the Hudson River, with a river cleanup, kayaking, international picnic buffet, bake sale, rowing demonstrations and more. All paid attendees are entered into a raffle. Proceeds help support the rowing and swimming programs of America Rows and Swims Newburgh. Newburgh Beach. April 25.

[The Importance of Outdoor Play]

9. Earth Day Fair- The 13th annual Earth Day Fair features activities for kids, music, healthy food, displays and suggestions for saving both energy and money. The reformed Church of New Paltz, New Paltz. April 26.

10. Hyde park walking trail- The Hyde Park trail is a 10- mile system of trails and walkways linking Town parks, nature preserves and National Park sites with local neighborhoods and the Town’s central business corridor. The cool part is, you can look for signs throughout the trails and nature sites, call 845-475-3819 from your cell phone, enter your stop number and hear all about the area and Hyde Park’s rich legacy. Also, walk at least 5 of the listed trails in a year, keep track on the free checklist and turn it in for a free reward! I hope more towns follow suite, how fun!

[Top Hudson Valley hiking trails even little legs can enjoy]

What are some of your favorite ways to spend time outside?

Earth Day history Source.

Do You Date Your Mate?

When you’re young you think the Wedding Day is the end of the story when it’s really just the first chapter. Your story together before that day is the prologue.

Not Designed For Dating

Valentine’s Day is coming up and it got me wondering, “Do you date your mate?” My husband and I had a totally random conversation the other day in which we both agreed that it was for the best that we met each other young (we were 18/19 year-old freshmen in college) because in all likelihood neither of us would be any good at dating. Neither of us has the “game face” to be “our best selves” in front of new people. We pretty much take the approach of laying it all out there and seeing who’s left standing.

Boy Meets Girl

I can’t say that I ever really dated my spouse. It’s a lot simpler when you’re young. Boy meets girl, asks for her number, calls her that night, talking for hours, hanging out takes place for a few weeks till you have an awkward conversation where you declare that you are in fact together. My hats off to anyone having to date as an adult. There seems to be a lot more complexities to maneuver through like a landmine. There are so many articles out there about why it’s important to continue to date your spouse, but what if you never really “dated” to begin with?

Speak Your Spouse’s Love Language

I’ve said before that I have a heart for marriage and I’ve talked about how important it is to speak the love language of your spouse. A man could give his wife an expensive piece of jewelry for Valentine’s Day, but she might just want him to take her car in for new tires. I know what you’re thinking, I’m the anti-woman here right? I bet there are a lot more like me who’d gladly forsake “traditional ideas of romance.” After almost 9 years of marriage and 16 years together here’s what I believe matters more than flowers and chocolates.

1. Say “I Love You” With All Of Your Actions, Not Just Your Words – My husband is not one to spout love sonnets, far from it, but there is no doubt he loves me.  It’s in everything he does from cleaning snow off my car, working his butt off so I can stay home with our kids, to taking the car in for repairs. While it’s nice to see him profess his love in a card, it’s not really necessary because I already know.

2. Be Each Other’s TOP Priority – When my husband gets home from work the kids like to clamor for his attention, but we often tell them to wait while we talk first. After 15 years, the habit of sharing our day with each other as soon as we see each other is set in stone. It’s hard for some people to put a pause on their parental responsibilities, but I believe the best thing you can do for your kids is show them what a good relationship looks like.

3. Have Sex – Yes, I said it. Find some alone time away from the kids and have sex. It can be a quickie that’s ok, just don’t forget to lock your bedroom door. Without sex, you are roommates with your spouse. Sex reminds you why you are together. Stay hot for each other – stay together.

So when my husband asked me if we should do something for Valentine’s Day I told him, “nah.” Going out on a “date” is not really a priority. To me dating is the process of getting to know someone and we both know each other cold. I know his heart and he knows mine. Romance has it’s place, but to me it’s the icing on the cake. Now love, love is your bread and butter. Love ensures you never starve.

Watch how this couple describes their love for each other after 56 years of marriage. So sweet!

Please Sleep Baby: 4 Truths From The Trenches

There are few questions parents of babies want answered as much as – “When will my baby sleep through the night?” When my son was about six months old a man at the mall approached me with desperation in his eyes and asked- “Does he sleep through the night?” I could tell he was sleep deprived and desperate for news I couldn’t give him. I wouldn’t be doing him any favors by lying so I told him the truth – “No, but he’s only six months and my oldest child didn’t sleep through the night till she was eight months.” His face collapsed and I could see he was mentally adding up all the sleepless nights until his five week old daughter would sleep well. I told him he’d get through it, but I’ll never forget the defeated look on his face.

So fast forward five years, and my little Sydney just turned six months old. Here I sit, asking myself the same question – When will she FINALLY sleep through the night? All I can base my guess on is my other two kids who slept through the night at eight and seven months respectively. It’s so close I can practically feel it, but it seems so far away at the same time. So here’s what I’ve learned with my sleep trials. I’m no expert – just a mom, probably as desperate as you are for sleep.

1. Follow Their Lead – There is no making your child sleep through the night. They are ready when they’re ready. If your child slept through the night at six weeks, I’d keep that tidbit under your hat while talking to moms chugging their coffee, looking like Mombies. Nobody suffering with sleep deprivation wants to hear how lucky you were. Congrats, but seriously don’t mention it to anyone with children. Most of us have to wait till sometime after our babies are steadily eating solids and crawling.

2. Do What Works Until It Doesn’t – Parenthood is the greatest game of trial and error there is. I found that co-sleeping gives me the most sleep for the first four or five months. Co-sleeping is awesome while you’re breastfeeding, until they realize that they can eat at all hours whether they need to or not. So whatever your sleep situation try not to cling too long to a method that’s no longer working. Sydney went from eating twice a night to wanting to comfort eat all night long. I know the day is dawning where I need to test to see if she’s ready to sleep without me.

3. Don’t Make Changes While They’re Sick – This one is self-explanatory. If your baby is not feeling good, they need extra attention and this not the right time for sleep training.

4. Once The Day Dawns, The Real Work Begins – The day will come when you wake up feeling like a well-rested person and after it dawns on you that the baby slept through the night you’ll want to do your happy dance. But unfortunately sleeping through the night is like potty training. It’s a long process of figuring out what works. Sleeping through the night once is a good indicator that they are ready to start, but how you go about sleep training is up to you.  I say skip the books and go with your gut. I spent about a week putting my babies down in their cribs alone listening to them cry until I went in and I tried to wait an extra five minutes each night until they finally fell asleep without me coming in to soothe them. It’s a truly sucky period of time, but eventually they learned to sleep through the night without me.

So good luck to you and me. I know from experience we CAN survive this period of babyhood. The hardest part is trying not to wish away the age they are right now pining away for the magical age of sleep. As the saying goes – “the days are long, but the years are short.”

Motherhood On The Night Shift

Parenthood Vs. Pinterest

Nothing brings out the Pinterest worthy moments like the holidays, but the truth is that motherhood is so far from glamorous it’s not even funny. Social media gives our inner voyeurs full access to all manner of brag worthy parenting moments. I’m not going to pretend I don’t do it too, but make no mistake those moments of bliss and glitter are few and far between, especially if you’re finding yourself perpetually on the night shift.

Raise Your Hand If You’re Not Sleeping Either

I don’t know if you have an infant or a toddler or school age kid that has nightmares or maybe even a teenager with a curfew or perhaps your kid is sick, but we all know what it’s like to work the night shift. Somehow the photos of moms holding their kids hair back while they throw up at 1 am or climbing into beds WAY too little for them just to calm their child’s fears NEVER seem to make it to the brag reel, but I’m here to say that it’s a DAMN shame. The night shift, when our brains hurt and our need for sleep almost outweighs our ability to climb out of bed when you hear MOOOOOOM, that’s when we truly shine. Not because it’s beautiful or enviable, but because we literally have nothing left to run on, but love and mother’s instinct.

Ugly O’Clock

As I write this I’m binge drinking coffee after my five-year-old woke me up, afraid of creepy shadows despite the hall light that floods his face like an interrogation room inquisition. Then just as he’s falling back asleep I hear the baby who refused to sleep anywhere but on my chest most of the night wake up to be fed and I think, “Oh COME ON!” So when Ugly O’clock dawned and Sydney decided that she was up for good, there was some muttered curse words followed by, “Well, I guess we’re up for the day now.”

In The Trenches

I was reading a blog yesterday in which the writer asked her readers if she was transparent enough or did she think her readers thought her life looked too perfect and I laughed out loud. There is ZERO chance that I give off that impression. I’m sitting in my sweats clutching my coffee like it has some magical powers to pull me out of this sleep deprivation haze that feels like a water boarding hangover. I leave the sweet moments to other well-meaning bloggers; I’m talking to my fellow mommies in the trenches. Parenting is not a Hallmark commercial and even I feel bad sometimes like I’m not baking enough cookies or doing enough arts and crafts with my kids. Yesterday, I watched my daughter help my son Jay do extra homework and I held my breath like I was witnessing animals in the wild and just the sound of my breath would spook them and they’d go back to fighting.

A rare moment of Hannah & Jay playing so nicely together I just had to capture it for those days I hear nothing but fighting.

No Pain, No Gain

Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. Sure there are snuggly, dreamy, heart filling prideful moments. Sure that’s what it’s like, but just cover that in drool from a teething baby and add in a few hallucinations that you’re standing in a ring saying, “Let’s Get Ready To RUUUUMMMMBLE,” every time one child comes to tell you the other hurt him/her. So unfortunately I don’t have anything to offer my readers, except my ability to tell it like it is and maybe a little humor and solidarity. Nobody ever tells you that having kids is like going through navy seal training, but I’ll say it. But hey, “no pain, no gain” and “no risk, no reward.”

A Gift I’d Really LOVE

Some day when I wake up MANY years from now, to an empty and hopefully clean house I know that I’ll be a little sad. Well-rested hopefully, but probably a bit emptier. The kids will be grown up and won’t need me and the only thing waking me up will probably be an overactive bladder. I’ll think back on the adventure/job I signed up for when I had kids. Hopefully my kids won’t be in jail or on a stripper pole, and will only need a little bit of therapy. In all seriousness though, I hope my kids remember that “grumpy mommy” did the best she could, running on little sleep. I hope they know that even though it was extremely hard sometimes, I would choose them over and over again. The REALLY REAL TRUTH is that you never know just how strong you are until you have kids, and you don’t really understand just how unconditional love can be.

So I wish you all the best present a parent on the night shift can get this holiday season – 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep or perhaps some truly magical coffee.

It’s A Boy Thing – 8 Reasons To Love Raising A Son

We’ve all heard the phrase, “Boys will be boys,” but moms of boys have this knowing look and head nod that goes along with it. That’s because we know what that really means. Boys are a unique breed and trying to raise one or more presents unique challenges to moms because we often can’t understand the boy brain. We’re often stumped and on more than one occasion I’ve asked my husband, “What on Earth makes him act that way?” My son Jayden turns 5 on Sunday and so I dedicate this post to the boy who changed my life. He forced me to see parenting through the boy lens. Since I had a daughter first, I can say that there were many things that caught me off guard about raising a boy and it started in utero.

Jayden was born on November 9, 2009 and he’s kept me on my toes ever since.

When I first learned I was having a boy, I was terrified. Since I had a girl first I didn’t know just how different it would be to raise a son. Now I’ll be the first to admit that I NEVER had a gender preference. Chalk it up to losing my first pregnancy, but I had only one thought – please let me carry to term and let him or her be healthy. I was unprepared for my husband’s reaction to the news. When we found out Hannah was a girl he shed a single tear and said he was “going to jail one day.” When we found out we were having a boy, he didn’t react at all. This from the man who has been dreaming of having a boy since he was in high school  (I have the 9th grade essay to prove it). I didn’t understand and was mad by his lack of enthusiasm, but this is the very example of the way boy brains work that I can never understand.

Will was so elated he was afraid to even put it into words. Maybe he thought he’d jinx it and my son’s penis would magically transform into a vagina in the womb. Boys just process emotions so differently from girls and this will be the very thing women will read hundreds of articles on later in life because we want to understand how their minds work. I can say with 90 percent certainty that the only way we ever come close to understanding men is to raise one and even then there are plenty of head scratching moments to endure. So here are the top eight ways boys are so very different from girls and why that is totally awesome.

Jay crawled at 4 months and walked at 8 months. Nothing can stop Jay from moving when he gets going.

1. Boys Are Injury Magnets – From the time my son started walking which was early at 8 months he was constantly bonking into counter corners or any hard surface really. He taught himself to scoot down the stairs backwards, which terrified onlookers. I can safely say that my son has no fear. Women sometimes see this as a reckless trait in grown men and sometimes it is, but boys see the world through the lens of challenges that they are desperate to overcome. There is no playpen that can hold a boy who is ready to explore the world. My son had stitches before he was two after trying to climb the bathtub wall like Spider Man. He split his chin and never made a peep as the doctor stitched him up. Nobody told him he couldn’t cry, but this brings me to..

2. Boys Guard Their Emotions – My daughter is my mini-me. She will cry when she’s upset, but I have watched my son since toddlerhood blink rapidly and pretend the tears welling up in his eyes are caused by any other reason than he got his feelings hurt. There seems to be something in their brain chemistry that tells boys to keep their feelings under wraps. This may be the reason that moms are the keepers of their sons’ hearts. We can tell by a look on their little faces that they need to expel some trapped emotion. When my father died my brother was 19 and my mother looked into his anguished face and said “it’s ok Matt, just cry.” A mom gives her son the permission to be vulnerable that he desperately needs sometimes.

3. Boys Don’t Get Hung Up On Mistakes – The other night I told my daughter she got something wrong on her homework and she cried hysterically. My son looks at her and says, “It’s ok. Sometimes I make a mistake, but I just try again.” I think this is in large part why men tend to excel in certain areas because they aren’t afraid to be wrong, though they may never admit to actually being wrong (can I get a woot woot ladies?).

Boys like Jay love castles and fortes to protect, mostly from their siblings.

4. Boys Feel The Need To Fight ALL The Time – Boys can and will turn any object into a weapon. I’ve watched a group of toddler girls play with a toy ketchup bottle and use it to cook with and I’ve seen boys take the same bottle and pretend to spray hot sauce in each others eyes. I chalk it up to evolution. Boys seem to come equipped with a protector gene. My son constantly reassures me he will protect me from monsters and bears. See number 2 for the other reason they fight all the time. My son has less ability to verbalize his emotions and will often exact his own brand of violent justice on his big sister.

He can be rough at times, but he cuddles like no other.

5. Boys LOVE Hard – If you’re the mom of a boy, you may have found yourself saying something like, “hugs shouldn’t hurt.” My son’s hugs are often bone crushing. His capacity for love is just immense. I often have to watch so he doesn’t accidentally hurt his baby sister in his effort to love on her. I am mentally preparing myself for his first breakup. While my daughters will probably cry over their first heartbreaks and move on, I know I need to be vigilant that it doesn’t permanently alter the way my son views love and relationships.

6. Boys Are Preoccupied With The Body – All bodily functions are a source for endless amusement from farts to poop. Just saying the words butt or booty spark laughter. My son was amazed when he learned boobs actually served the purpose of feeding a baby. Maybe it has something to do with their genitals being on the outside. They are constantly readjusting it. Jay often complains, “my pee pee came out of my underwear.” It’s a problem I just can’t relate to. So I simply resign myself to think that maybe I would be preoccupied with my body and it’s functions if I had to worry about my ovaries swinging every which way.

Boys will often put gross things in their mouths. For Jay that means tasting slugs and worms.

7. Boys Turn Gross Into An Art Form – If you have a boy, you’ve probably heard some strange things come out of your mouth. Things like, “You CAN’T eat slugs!” or “Poop is NOT for finger-painting.” I have no idea why, but boys think that all things gross are fun. If it grosses someone else out in the process that’s just a bonus. Cleaning up or looking after a boy certainly never gets boring and sharpens your parenting skills, but at least you’ll have a good laugh about it, later like much later after you’ve cleaned the poop off the wall.

Daddy and Jay are two peas in a pod. Having my son made me appreciate my husband’s finer qualities all the more because my son shares them.

8. Boys Make You Appreciate Your Husband – I look at my son and I can easily see the boy my husband must have been. They are peas in a pod; easy going, class clowns, brave, funny, and loving. Jayden’s excitement is contagious and when my son and husband get together it’s sure to be a good time. You also appreciate it when you can defer to your husband when it comes time for certain male rites of passage, like learning to pee standing up.

So while I’m a mom of two amazing little girls, having a son has forced me to rethink parenting. Strategies that work for my daughter don’t work for my son. It was harder to teach him as he never wants to sit still and he is a light switch just like my husband, either off or on, but never in between. He’s ready in his own time and nothing can make him budge.

So happy 5th birthday to my amazing son Jayden. Even though I may never fully understand why you do some of the things you do, I will love you forever and a day. And if you happen to see my son doing something crazy, you’ll just have to understand when I smile in a slightly embarrassed but loving way and say, “it’s a boy thing.”

Down The Rabbit Hole…Again

I feel like Alice, about to willingly jump down the rabbit hole and go back to the strange and sometimes scary Wonderland (as in “I wonder when I’m ever going to sleep again” world of having a newborn).  My husband and I have decided to try for Baby #3 and it raises a lot of questions and emotions.  I have figured out long ago that I can’t be one of those people who stumble into parenthood. I am that type of woman to have a plotted course complete with a GPS.

Entering into parenthood again after my youngest is out of diapers is in all respects kinda crazy. The first time you go down the rabbit hole you really don’t know what you’re getting into till the crazy creatures (a.k.a you and your sleep deprived spouse) come out to play. The second trip is decidedly less scary since you’ve given yourself over to the crazy chaos of parenthood. The third trip and beyond, well I don’t know what it has in store for me. I’m certainly taking others along for the journey so I worry how my kids will react and adjust.

So far, most people have warned me against revisiting Wonderland. It’s too crazy, and too expensive they say. But here I sit, staring down the rabbit hole and it’s hard to imagine jumping in, but at the same time to never see Wonderland again seems even more frightening.  Something changes in you after entering parenthood. It becomes who you are and the chaos just feels like home.  I say, God bless the people who trip and fall.  It seems a lot scarier to stare into the abyss and work up the nerve to jump when you can’t see the bottom of the hole.

There are those who revere order, neatness, money and security, but I suppose I’m not one of them. I don’t think any parent is or else you wouldn’t be able to adjust to Wonderland.  The regular rules of the world don’t apply there.  Things you clean do NOT stay clean, money disappears almost magically from your bank account, “yes” means “I wonder if that’s the right thing to do” and “no” means “for the Love of God stop asking me already.” So I’m counting down and holding my breath and I pray that I can still find my way around Wonderland. My logical brain is at war with my heart, but then I remember that logic simply has no place in Wonderland…just ask the Queen of Hearts; she always gets her way.

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